Breathing Lessons
Confidence is sometimes like a fair-weather friend, who disappeared somewhere into the multiverse when the timing is not ideal. Whether confidence is there or not, I still have to learn to breathe.
I’m doing my best not to be anxious right now.
I’m currently in the midst of preparing for an upcoming market to sell my creations. This is a physical event. I paid the rental for my booth weeks ago. The market is early next month, and I’m scared that what I created for sale is not good enough.
In the past, I’ve sold digital products, or through an online store. Years ago, I did a physical market in my hometown with friends. This time, I challenged myself to do it on my own, and at a new place that is now my home.
Was I delusional? Maybe. But then again, many things started in the state of delulu before they become trululu, right? Right??
I did this project as part of my aim to be more intentional this year, and to also finish something I started. The market participation became my deadline, and something I must see it through.
I have to admit: I’m a queen of no follow-through when it comes to my own projects. I can complete things for other people – clients – but easily abandon my own in a heartbeat.
As years went by, I ended up with nothing to show for of my own. Which is why, my intention this year was to finish something I started. At least one thing off the list of many I want to explore.
It’s been a challenging journey so far. My confidence brought me on a roller coaster ride ever since.
The Inhale
“I am a genius!” was my first thought when the idea clicked last September. The excitement was simmering then, still quiet, but full of curiosity.
By mid-February this year, I finally began tinkering with it, putting thought on paper and working out the details. By March, the drawing and writing phase began.
The initial plan was to handmade everything 100%. Then it dawned on me that I need to be realistic as I have a day job and clients to prioritised first. I also have not been doing the things I need to do – drawing, stamp-carving – in a long while. I need time to refresh my skill, so this means it’s not humanly possible for me to do this fast enough to meet my goal: the event in June. So I readjusted my plans to make it feasible and doable for me.
At this point, it’s like I’ve inhaled oxygen into the lungs, filled it with possibilities, inspiration, and sheer excitement. Off I went.
The Exhale
April was full-on production mode. Printing, cutting, carving, stamping… more laborious work involved, including sourcing and planning packaging.
As a factory of one, I spent most of my free time invested in this project. Don’t get me wrong; it’s an enjoyable phase as I get to work with my hands and not spend hours looking at screens. Seeing my idea becoming something tangible that I can hold in my hand was a big motivation.
By now, the exhale of relief that I can make something is quite thrilling: “I can do this!” I’ve created many things digitally over the years – both professionally and personally, so making something tactile is refreshing.
I’m more drawn to create physical items now, considering where we are at this age of AI. Despite the appeal of all things digital, I’m optimistic that people will appreciate something tactile or analog for a change.
The Hold
With the booth rental paid and market inching closer now, everything starts to become very real. I can’t chicken out now.
I started questioning, doubting myself. My nerves and anxieties going supersonic. I think I may have had a mini panic attack the other day. Or maybe that’s just a perimenopause symptom? It’s hard to tell these days.
Intrusive thoughts got the best of me, whittling down my confidence bit by bit.
“You think that’s good enough?”
“That’s too handmade. Any child could make that easily. What makes you think anyone would buy from a fifty-year-old for this?”
“You’re gonna charge that price? Seriously? Who would even want to pay for that?”
“Nobody cares how much time and effort you spent to make these arts and crafts things.”
“You must be really delusional if you think you could sell that.”
I. Couldn’t. Breathe.
The past weeks has been the most challenging, internally. I was at war with myself and my own sanity. Confidence jumped timelines, and there I was trying to figure out which and how to get to the same one.
The Rhythm
Surprisingly, or maybe not so much, that the Universe has its way to show signs that all will be okay. Reminders showed up out of nowhere to say that it’s okay to feel this way, and that it feels good to make things again.
I just have to stop worrying and overthinking before I self-sabotage everything.
The past few days I had to refocus. Reminding myself why I’m doing all this in the first place. The creation wasn’t made for the event, though it is suitable for the theme and is physical market-friendly.
The intention behind it was to create something fun, different, and still provide something valuable – guidance – for people. Something that combines the things I enjoy – art, writing, and divination – all rolled into one. Something I could make with my hands. Something thoughtful, and comes in small batches.
I’m doing this to get myself to make art again, from start to finish. Sure, a lot of time and money was invested, and I know the risk that I may not break even from the sales, but I definitely 100% did find joy in the whole creation process that I want to keep on making things.
So I inhale and exhale, breathing in a calm pace. I’m finding my rhythm again, understanding the ups and downs of the creative journey, and myself as a creator, a maker. Accepting that this cycle will happen again, as part and parcel of the journey, and that I can get through it no matter what. I can make my way to regain my confidence again.
The success is in the making and the creation. I know I gave my best, and did everything I can in my abilities to make it as something I enjoy and find valuable. Maybe others may find the same too.
The rest is beyond my control. So, I release my creation into the world with all the best hopes and intentions that it will go where it needs to.
Then, I move on to explore and create more.
So, What Did I Create?
A blind envelope oracle called The Hidden Letters Oracle.
The concept is not new, if you’re familiar with how blind boxes work. Product volume is important. Hence, the factory of one working overtime since April.
I made a small batch of about 175 envelopes total. Yes, several secret cards are hiding among them. Packing is done. Now, I’m working on other details like booth display, and marketing the product.
I am new to the scene – an unknown. First market experience as well. I’m not ready and nervous, but will just jump right in.
Let’s see how it goes from here.
Andrealism is a space that holds essays, and accompanying art, comics, and photography, drawn from personal observations and reflections through life.
These essays are like notes I leave in the wild or long conversations I have with someone. If what I share resonates, you’re welcome to continue the conversation in the comments.
Thank you for your company.
~ Andrea
Andrea, it's lovely to fnally see what you've been up to. Is this only available at the event?